Offering advice before being asked. You might try to convince yourself that giving other people advice is a great way to show that you’ve heard them out and want to help them. But deep down you know that’s not true. Giving advice is really another way for you to validate your own opinions and make yourself feel smart.
“Maybe you think that a colleague or friend is sharing a story with you precisely because they want your advice,” says Hess. “Well, that might be the case, but chances are what they need more is for someone to hear them out, to truly listen to what they have to say. Never, ever offer advice before being asked.”
Sharing your own experience before fully exploring the speaker’s experience. Your experiences are your experiences. They do not match up to everyone’s reality. And in fact, in many cases, your view of the world will not even be accurate. It will be skewed by your preconceived notions and everything that you don’t know that you don’t know.
“This is another situation where well-timed questions will serve you much better than talking over someone or trying to interject your way into the conversation,” notes Hess. “An effective rule to follow for breaking this habit is to always inquire before advocating and to always inquire much more than you advocate.”
Defending yourself when receiving feedback. In his book, Hess writes about “Mr. Feedback,” one of his early mentors. Mr. Feedback taught Hess how essential negative feedback is if you want to become the best in your field and the importance of pausing and reflecting rather than automatically defending, deflecting, or denying when you receive negative feedback. Hess writes that as he moved forward in his career, he realized how difficult it can be to get this kind of constructive feedback.
“Rather than getting the kind of specific, constructive feedback that can help us improve our skills, most of us will receive guarded or politically correct feedback that is fairly useless in practice,” notes Hess. “Thoughtful and constructive feedback is a valuable thing, especially when you can foster your mindset to absorb and not deflect it, and it will only become more valuable as our workplaces become dominated by technology.”
Critiquing the speaker instead of their idea. Here’s another reaction we use to try to make ourselves look smarter rather than give the other person their moment in the sun. By critiquing a speaker instead of their idea, we’re really seeking to discredit them in order to invalidate their idea—hoping our own idea will, then, rise to the top. “Of course, this can also be a natural defensive reaction,” says Hess. “If someone disagrees with us, we attack them to try to even the playing field. But it’s important that you always critique the idea, not the person giving it. Listening in a business context should focus on the merit of the idea and the credibility of the data provided to support it. The person presenting the idea should never be on trial.”
“Learning to listen well takes practice—lots of practice,” says Hess. “Grade yourself daily. Hold yourself accountable. If you are stuck on a bad behavior, seek out a good friend and ask them to help you uncover why you are having difficulty changing. When you work hard to improve your listening skills, you’ll become a better collaborator—a necessary skill for critical and innovative thinking and being successful in the 21st century.”
Source: www.EDHLTD.com
