You’re showing a home to a married couple serious about buying. It’s all perfectly pleasant as you go room to room, when out of nowhere their voices rise slightly and they begin arguing. Nothing overly dramatic, but the vibe has taken a turn for the worse. Are you ready for what may happen if things escalate? More importantly, will you know how to act if they suddenly pull you into the squabble?
Agents understand that playing amateur psychologist is often a skill needed during the sometimes stressful journey people travel when making what is usually the biggest financial commitment of their lives. Most often it’s simply about calming anxious buyers who’ve never been in that position before and are in need of comforting words, encouragement and being told they’re making a wise and prudent decision. But when anger and egos arise, which can often be the case with divorced or divorcing sellers, the loss of the sale (and your commission) could result.
Often things can get dicey. Some couples may disagree quietly, while others let the steam show. It can make agents uncomfortable, of course. The trick is to move things forward as best they can.
Jeffrey Decatur, a broker associate with REMAX Capital in upstate New York, has had to sometimes work with over-the-top, emotional buyers.
“I have had several full-on arguments break out between clients,” he notes. “It is extremely uncomfortable for me, and sometimes dangerous. In these situations, I politely excuse myself. I say something like, ‘It sounds like there is a bigger discussion that needs to be had by you two.’”
Grace Stampf, with REMAX Heritage Properties in Flanders, New Jersey, says she “definitely wouldn’t get involved in their argument. Instead, I gently steer the conversation toward something neutral—like chatting about the house they’re considering. Keeping the mood positive helps ease tension.”
Pam Rosser Thistle, with Berkshire Hathaway HomeServices Fox & Roach, REALTORS® in Philadelphia, steps aside as well.
“I let them discuss or fight,” she says. “I understand that buying and selling can be stressful, as are personal scenarios. So I empathize. I’ve lived nine lives in all kinds of strange situations, so my saying I understand is more than just words. I do understand most of the time.”
Greg Rezac, with REMAX Excalibur in Scottsdale, Arizona, also stresses the importance for the agent to stay composed and to gently redirect the negative vibes.
“Don’t involve yourself in the disagreement,” he says. “Maintain a calm demeanor and give them some space if needed (both literally and figuratively). Redirect if possible, saying something like, ‘That’s totally understandable—there’s a lot to think about. Should we go take a quick look at the backyard while you talk through it?’
“If the tension is rising too much, offer a break, such as ‘Would you like a moment to chat privately before we move on?’ Try to downplay the disagreement to ease the tension if that seems appropriate. You need to read the situation correctly.”
“Stay calm, composed and centered, especially when tensions run high,” adds Stampf. “Listen to both of their concerns and needs.”
When sellers are divorcing or divorced
It’s one thing when happily married people spar, but totally another when a divorced or divorcing couple selling a house go at it. An agent caught in the middle of nastiness often having nothing to do with the matter at hand must use all their powers to keep things on track and get to closing. Neutrality is an absolute must.
“The most important thing when a divorce situation arises is to approach it with tremendous sensitivity and empathy to what’s going on,” says Alexander Chingas at Coldwell Banker Realty in Westport, Connecticut. “Most times you’re helping people sell a house for happy reasons. They’ve been planning or looking forward to relocating somewhere, or it’s time to trade up or trade down as part of accomplishing a broader set of goals.”
Chingas admits that selling a house for people divorcing takes a lot more work on his end, mostly because of the extra time he needs to spend going over everything twice, once with each side, but it’s all part of the business.
“Very often the homeowners are not communicating with one another and don’t want to be together when meetings take place,” he says. “And yet, they want to be involved and heard throughout the process. So as the agent, you have to be willing to have two sets of meetings. Being accommodating and giving them the whole of your time can go a long way toward keeping things productive and respectful.
“You never know what you’re getting into, so you have to just listen, read the room and figure out how you can best serve their needs at one of the most sensitive times people could be selling a property.”
Decatur tells both parties that he will email both attorneys a bullet-point update as to where they left things.
“Usually the more difficult party doesn’t want that,” he says. “I tell them that I am just trying to do my job and am obligated to do so, and am there to help you equally and fairly out of a situation they no longer want to be in.
“I remind them that the faster they wrap things up, the more money they save. I keep my boundaries, and have let some real difficult ones go. Eventually, they will figure out that the more difficult they are and the more it is documented, that the judge will see a pattern, and sometimes get a difficult party in line. If you’re dealing with a couple splitting up, it is best to deal with everyone via email or Zoom. Show no favoritism, and keep it all business.”
Chingas says it’s normal for emotions to be in play with couples selling a home who are no longer cohabitating. He estimates that about 15% of the sellers he represents are divorcing. “In real estate, you’re dealing with the roofs over people’s heads and their money,” he says. “And nothing is more emotionally charged for them than a transaction where those two things overlap.
“A good agent is always wearing many hats, and one of them can be a form of family therapist. You have to be available, let people vent, and help them see the vision of what the future is going to look like once they get to the other side of the transaction. That everything is going to be okay.”
